Should I write? Should I talk?

I have so many emotions and thoughts running through my head. But I know myself, and I’m really not one to hold my tongue. Well, I am when I feel like I need to think about my thoughts more before putting them out there. But in this case, I can’t seem to find the words. So the answer is I will write.

So I just got back from seeing “The Express”. I already knew going into the movie that it was going to be real motivational. I just didn’t know how sad. I’m not gonna spoil the movie, but I seriously cannot understand how people can have so much hatred toward a person strictly because of their skin color. What I also fail to realize, is how little we are taught about the days of segregation. I mean, it wasn’t that long ago, and it still happens today in some places. But in our school systems, we aren’t taught about what our people had to overcome for us to be where we are now. And that is what makes me mad. It makes me want to find out my own history, and not rely on others to teach it to me. That movie wasn’t made about football it was made to show people what he had to overcome to play football. In a scene in the movie, Ernie Davis is watching Jackie Robinson play for the Brooklyn dodgers. Of course back then, it wasn’t an everyday thing you saw a black man playing a professional sport. And Ernie Davis said, “He is saying so much with not saying anything at all”. This had to be one of the best quotes I have ever heard. Jackie Robinson never had to SAY anything to stand up for him, defend him, or all of the other barriers he broke down just by playing. That’s really how I have always played the game of basketball. I speak with my game, no words exchanged. Of course it doesn’t measure up to what Jackie Robinson or Ernie Jackson did, and all that they were playing for, I’m just saying that you can say so much MORE by not saying ANYTHING at all. By leading, by being an example to people, that says so much in itself, and it gains respect.

I love going to the movies. Its simple, fun, and relaxing. And not to mention expensive. They are really trippin chargin somebody 4 dollars for a small bottle of water. It really doesn’t make any sense. On another note, I am enjoying this 3 day weekend. But let me take you back to Thursday for one second. So we had open gym at 2 and workouts at 330. Usually when we know that we have workouts after, we don’t kill ourselves in the gym, just to save our legs for the workout. But on this day, we decided to go super hard, just because practice is coming up and everything, we figured we’d try to warm ourselves up. So we head to workouts, and run a pretty hard run around the neighborhood and up this huge hill, by the end we are all pretty tired. We go in to lift, we do a pretty hard circuit, and usually after that we’re done. Clearly not the case today. Our weight coach tells us to go back outside! We were really confused, he had to be kidding to make us run that thing again. My teammate even said, “are we getting punkd?” Cause simply put, that run isn’t something you do twice in one day. Buttttttt, we all ran it again anyway. After all it is about finishing right, even if we didn’t want to do it. Gotta say I was real proud of my team that day. And real exhausted afterward. Waking up this morning, I could not feel my legs, literally.
So Saturday is going to be a day of fun I guess you can say. Going to my old high school’s bball game, then to SDSUs football game. And ironically, I’ve grown quite fond of doing my homework on the weekend to get ahead during the week. Frankly my weeks are way too long and tiring to try and do so much reading and homework on top of everything else, so I figure I use my days off to do most of it. The beauty of having a syllabus!

I said some time ago that I was going to write a whole section dedicated to the man in my life. But I am kinda thinking I should keep my personal life private. After all this isn’t a fictional blog or anything, lol. But maybe I can do a segment on how I feel about relationships? Over the past few weeks, I was thinking a lot about the energy that it took to maintain a healthy relationship. I was also thinking about the energy that it took to be successful as a student-athlete. Now some people just do what they have to in order to get by, and I have to admit, that’s the easiest way to go with the amount of stress we deal with. And I also have to admit that is what I did my first 2 years of college. And I know from experience that doing that is not fulfilling at all, so I refuse to let myself be average for another year. So far I have done a great job of applying myself, and it is so fulfilling, and ironically, I have MORE energy. By putting everything into working toward what I want to become, there is no possible way I can fail. So I’m not going to lie, a relationship just isn’t a priority right now for me. But that’s where I began to question myself. I forgot for a moment that him being in my life was not an obligation for me, was not a part of my job description, and not what I was working for. He is what I have as a release. He is who is there when I feel overwhelmed, and just want to clear my head. He is my breath of fresh air. And when I figured that out, it made this whole relationship thing seem a whole lot easier. And it takes one hell of a man to be able to understand his role in all of this. To be able to understand what I am doing, and respect it, and stand by me regardless. And for that I do cherish the love that we share.

I was talking to my long time friend about this, and I began to feel a little selfish. But I felt okay with it. Because I didn’t feel selfish in a bad way, but more so that I was supposed to be selfish. I am 20 years old, and who knows where I am going to be in 5 years. But during this time, this is the time where I help determine that. Now is the time that I am supposed to be selfish, I am supposed to be focused on me so that I can get where I want to go. I feel like this time period is most important in my life because it will help determine where I am going to be. I have been molding myself all of my life, and my entire life has helped shape me into the person that I am today. But during college, this is where I feel I am really starting to come into my own. Starting to see my future more clearly. So with that, I am satisfied.
Well it was a long one but I hope it was interesting enough to hold your attention span…
Be blessed ya’ll
Jay